Don't bother looking.
I'm not here anymore.

SHIFTED!

& I never think about you,
but you're always on my mind

My life has been so hectic.
Everything is piling up & I'm so afraid I'm going to drown in this mess.

This is probably the only chinese song I'd never get sick of.
It's rather meaningful to me, & everytime I hear it, it never fails to bring back some memories.

So before I go, this is for you, the you that has shared so much with me for 6 months of my life.
I guess I still do think about you. Quite alot, in fact.
& I choose to believe that you know who you are.

What a perfect, little, song.



我只能低着头发呆
让回忆渗透脑袋
渐渐变空白
我把它当做个意外
但内心还想不开
因为我明白
其实你都还在

我想起了遇见你的时候
想起你眼神中的温柔
我想起了我们第一次牵手
我闭上眼
想起当时你怀里的颤抖
似乎那么害怕失去我
然而到后来我什么都没有
当你离开的时候

我可以当作已释怀
他对我也算关怀
他看不出来
我知道这样不应该
在他身上找依赖
算不算是种出卖
因为你一直在

我想起了遇见你的时候
想起你眼神中的温柔
我想起了我们第一次牵手
我闭上眼
想起当时你怀里的颤抖
似乎那么害怕失去我
然而到后来我什么都没有
当你离开的时候

我想起你亲吻我的时候
想起你眼神中的沉默
我想起了我们平静的分手
我闭上眼
想起当时你每一个的承诺
把你整个心都交给我
然而到后来我什么都没有

越是没有你越是心痛

我想起了遇见你的时候
想起你眼神中的温柔
我想起了我们第一次牵手
我闭上眼
想起当时你怀里的颤抖
似乎那么害怕失去我
然而到后来我什么都没有,

当你离开的时候

& from this very moment onward, sono-fuerte will cease to operate.

Goodbye.

Today I took the lonely road
Sitting by the window & nobody knew
That I needed nobody, but you, but you

Why is it that every single time I think that I've broken free, I still get beaten back down to the ground, finding myself still chained to the same, old, thing?

Should I feel like I do?
When would I stop breathing such disappointment?

We've seen each other change through the years, & we opened up & acknowledged each other in a special way.
Sometimes when I think back, it was cool, how we thought alike & got each other's jokes before the others do.
We've been through some hard times & helped each other along the way, & I guess I'm thankful that in a way, I still have you in my life, though right now to me, it's in a very different & painful way.

Cell visitation yesterday was great, watched Nemo at Joy's, learnt Mahjong at Cassandra's & Walter's, & our last stop was Yingyan's (:

OKAY OKAY I'll upload the pictures soon.

Sent Lynette off today, she's probably on the plane right now, at the Airport I was like, Stacy don't cryyyy, but hahah Mission Failed.

& Lynette didn't even cry.
Not one tear. Nada. Zilch.

On the bus home I was trying to imagine what I'd do if I were the one who's flying off, & I honestly think that I'll start crying the moment I step into the Airport & see my loved ones or something.
It's quite scary to be sitting in a plane, knowing that you're going to fly off to a place where it's so foreign, & what's more, you're going to be alone.

But somehow that loneliness I know I'll feel if I really were to go somewhere else, isn't enough to make me feel like staying put.

But maybe along the way I'll find a good enough reason for me to stay.

I really miss Leona & Wendy.

So write the letters in teary ink

I just need some time, to think

Believe it or not, I spent my day cooped up at home, didn't even go to school today ("you made Valentine's Day a public holiday!" said Kieran.)

But, I had a pretty pleasantttt surprise.

Ahhhh the oh-so-wonderful people I have in my life.

Though I'd be alone this Valentine's Day, I know I don't have to feel alone,

because I have You.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, the pain would go away.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, it'll all be okay.

My God is the healer & the best pain killer.

Dinner (dinner?) with Joy, Stephanie & Isabella yesterday was great, did abit of shopping & I was so tempted to splurge!
After Steph & Isa left, Joy & I ended up sitting outside Wisma Atria, talking to her made me miss someone especially much but thanks alot Joy, you were a grrrreat listening ear (:

Today I found the courage & strength to do something that I thought I'd never be able to do.
Though the feeling is really bittersweet, I know I made a right move.

I'm sorry if I made anyone of y'all worried but I really am fine (:

Can't believe it's Sunday already, time to switch back to the "study" mode!

I don't even know you
You won't even know I'm gone
Was it something I did wrong

Roses, roses, cold,
Roses, rose, sold out.

I've decided that though I may not have fully recovered, I still like the way my life is now (note: Like.)
In a way my life rocks, because firstly, I've got wonderful friends that love me genuinely & take me for who I am.
Next, I don't have to answer to any human being for my actions & it doesn't matter if someone can't understand what/why I'm making a particular decision, I'm not obliged to explain it to them anyway.

I was really sick & tired of going in rounds, but doggone it, I just wanted to touch the sky but you didn't even want to lift me that high.
You're probably somewhere out there enjoying life, & I guess that, is part of the reason why I shouldn't feel like poop.

I loved you, & I still love you.
It's really rather disappointing on my side because in my heart I still want it to be you, though I probably already know that nothing's going to happen.
My guess is that you're either one of them, or you're just like the many of them, who can't put up/accept the part of me that needs to be free once in awhile.

& yes it freaking hurts.

Nigel & I went from speedboats to wooden planks & the both of us were trying so hard to save each other's life.

Well, literally.
Don't all of us just adore inside jokes like these.

We kind of had a "illegal gambling den" today at Aunty Gina's, the adults had mahjong in the study, poker cards in the living room, & we had Blackjack plus B/S in the kitchen (hahah yes the kitchen).
Lost almost all my coins in B/S & Benson was like, okay why don't you be the banker for awhile, you keep the winnings & I'll pay for the losses.

(Teehee the wonderful friends I have)

The same wonderful friends decided on meeting at 8.30 next Saturday & I got so agitated, I was like WHO THE HELL MEETS UP AT 8.30 ON A B-E-A-UTIFUL SATURDAY MORNING JUST FOR SENTOSA!!!!

Blah.

I AM GOING TO RECOUP MY LOSSES TOMORROW.

MY NIGHT WAS PURE INSANITY!

Pffft no pictures taken because they weren't allowed, I tried to sneakshot but Kendy Dricky was like "don't get me into trouble you photowhore" ):

Reached home around 730 this morning, managed to catch 3 pathetic hours of sleep, to top it all off I awoke to the little meatball crying away & my parents quarrelling.

OH MAMA-MIA I'VE SUCH A DARN SEXY LIFE.

• Stacy /} He's got eyes like black suns, says:
eh NICE DP!
• Stacy /} He's got eyes like black suns, says:
who took the picture ah,
• Stacy /} He's got eyes like black suns, says:
(hahah)
Jo3:My best friend. says:
of course. cause its a pic of me=)
• Stacy /} He's got eyes like black suns, says:
the photographer did such a wonderful job! :D
Jo3:My best friend. says:
if the picture of the person is ugly the photographer good also no use=)
• Stacy /} He's got eyes like black suns, says:
EH CAN YOU STOP MAKING THIS ALL ABOUT YOU
• Stacy /} He's got eyes like black suns, says:
YOU SHOULD THANK THE PHOTOGRAPHER!

(& of course the oh-so-very-talented-photographer-that-gave-Joel-his-oh-so-very-nice-display-picture, is Your Royal Highness.)

No I really don't care what you people are talking about, because I don't want to get myself tangled up in those shit with you guys.
I've seen, known, & been part of it for far too long.
I'm not afraid to deny the fact that I have been there before but I am even prouder to say that I'm not going anymore.

I stayed up with Korkor till 6 today, was supposed to go to school but decided against it because I was so sleepy, & Korkor was like, okay you should go & sleep, whoever wakes up the latest wins.

& today he woke up like, 5 minutes before me so hahah, victory.

It's CNY tomorrow but somehow I don't feel like it's just round the corner.
I think Nigel is really (& I mean, really) excited over the fact that he gets to see me again gamble his ass off again.
He was telling me just a moment ago how he intends to win all of Benson's money (which was kind of stupid).

But I guess I do miss that bunch of retards (:

I thought of somebody today, he was the first thing that came to my mind when I opened up my eyes.
Guess I've been trying really hard not to dwell on the subject but it was pretty much in vain because I found myself thinking back.
Way back, in fact.
It's been about a year or so & untill now I still wonder if I had taken the right path at that time.

But if you ask me if I regret taking that path, I'd tell you:

No, I don't.

My right wrist is hurting so bad ):

Due to unforeseen circumstances, my trip has been canceled at the very last minute.
I'm still kind of upset but I guess there's no point in brooding about it.
This loss has made me seen how important it is to treasure the ones around you, because the very next moment they could be gone.
We always say, "tomorrow", but you'll never know, because tomorrow may never come.

Thank you Oniichama, for keeping me company till the wee hours, also for listening to me & all of my nonsense.
You've been really wonderful & I really don't know how I'd make it through yesterday night without you around (:

My rockers, thank you for the smses & phonecalls.
You guys blow my mind & my life wouldn't be the way it is now without all of you.
Even after all this time, you guys are still the ones that know me best.
Though we don't see each other much now, you know you still have a friend in me (:
Let's break it down now, rockers, I love y'all.

School was unfruitful today, I was just moping around, spent the whole 2 hours of my art lesson doing something that was totally irrelevant to my topic, & I spent my chinese lesson surfing the net from my phone ("Stop wasting money!!!!" the older brother said).

Somebody should come surprise me & brighten up my oh-so-monotonous life on Valentine's Day or something ):

Why is life so unpredictable & fragile?
Why don't we get at least a warning sign so that we can prepare ourselves before something bad happens?

I wished that I had a chance to really appreciate him for all that he's done.
I'm so sorry, I didn't have the chance to say goodbye.

I wasn't expecting any of this, it just hit me straight in the face, it was really unexpected but I know that my God has a reason for everything.

Father, I trust in You & even through this difficult time I ask for your strength to be with Mummy & the rest of the family. No one would ever be able to steal my heart away the way that you do & sometimes I get so caught up with my life I can barely breathe, let alone focus my eyes on You. Break me, & mould me into a captivated vessel that's ready to seek you every moment of the day. Consume my thoughts & don't let any moment go by without me thinking of You. Your faithfulness endures forever & I am really thankful for this wonderful love.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

I'm still caught in the middle & I don't know what to do.
I've been trying to find so many reasons to convince myself not to give it.
I'm sick of lying to myself & believing in something that's probably not going to happen now.
I've been hanging on this thin thread for quite some time now, & it really sucks to be just dangling in the middle of nowhere.

I don't want to let go & it's not that I don't want to hold on, but it's just that I've got nothing to hold on to.

It's so emotionally draining & I know I'm the only one who feels this way.
Maybe I'll never belong in your world.
You probably won't even know that this is about you but that's okay because I've been on my own for all this while.

Come back for me if one day you make up your mind & you know how you feel.

The weather was so wet today /:

I was waiting for Korkor (who was waiting for Warren -.-) earlier today & he was playing soccer with the wall (hahah).
He forbade me to sit on the floor because I was wearing a dress, so to kill my boredom I dug out his Man Utd jersey & I probably looked stupid because I was hopping around with it.
But then again it served as a rather good shield from the annoying rain (:

That aside, my grandparents couldn't recognise me today, when I was at the door my granddad actually asked my grandmom "who's that girl standing outside" & she stared at me for a second or two, I was like !!!!!!!!! hello I'm your dearest granddaughter!

But I love my grandparents anyway (:

I'm leaving in 2 days time & I've already started packing, but knowing me I'd probably end up throwing everything into the bag at like, 12 am tomorrow.

What a beautiful song.

You felt it so strong but nothing's, turned out how you want it

Brayden, that little rascal, is making me go nuts.
I really wonder what's with my hair that attracts him so much that he HAS to tug at it (hard) every single time I carry him.

& the most annoying thing is that he pretty much leaves Mum's hair alone & only tugs at mine.

That little fishballll.

That aside, Jasmine says I've been deprived of my childhood just because my DP is a picture of me with a teddy bear ):

& speaking about teddy bears, did I tell you guys that I gave Candy a "bathe" just the other day, & amazingly, she survived the spin cycle.

Me: Y'know, I threw Candy into the washing machine. She survived.
Joel: ?
Me: Erm, Candy!
Joel: You mean you put sweets into the washing machine?
Me: !!!!!!!! CANDY THE TEDDY BEAR, YOU IDIOT!

But okay let's just ignore that retarded fellow.
Candy smells really pretty now & she's as good as new (:

Ahhhh dogpoop, Man Utd is losing!!!

I'm going to go pray for a miracle now.

This week I:

• painted a mouse that was 'burning in hell' (Ms Shirley nearly killed me for that)
• laughed at somebody stupid who sent something about Sister's Day to Fiona
• drank glucose & went insanely hyper
• hit the floor while I was sleeping in the middle of the night (stop laughing)
• drew on David's hand (:
• went to NAFA
• painted my nails silver
• realised that I'm going to be all alone on Valentine's ):
• thought of cures for bullies
• made plans to turn Joel's fan club against him
• got nagged for eating too much candies!
• made Fiona eat Prata with me (:
• had fun trying on pretty dresses with Cherlynn (:
• fell in love with Arcade Fire!

What, a life I've got.

Poor Cherlynn was left all alone today because both Fiona & I were sleeping at home & myyyy, I had such a nice time pigging out & catching up on my sleep.

Why on earth do some people like going into details about their everyday life, I mean, I believe nobody is interested in the beehoon you had for lunch or what happened in ALL your lessons OR the 1 hour long conversation you had with your friend over the phone.
I've been getting so irritated at blogs like these & my dear friend, before you start spamming my tagboard going "blah blah blah I think you blog about your everyday life too", I'd advise you to refer back to my archives otherwise you'd just be asking for me to knock your lights out.
Sure, I don't deny the fact that I DO blog about life, but doggone it, I don't think I take it to the extreme by blogging about what happens every single-freaking-minute.

That aside, I think if I go on, these people who've got some monotonous life would start throwing rocks at me.

Moving on, I just realised that it's already February & looking back I can't believe how quickly one month just zoooomed by.
But anyway, February is quite an exciting month, I guess.
This year I won't be celebrating CNY with my family over here, Mummy's coming to fetch me on Tuesday afternoon (which means I get to miss school on Wednesday!), haven't seen some of my cousins in years & I'm looking forward to catching up with them, though the 5 hour long ride would probably suck.

& I'm not, looking forward to Valentine's.